Scar tissue that I wish you saw….

I don’t even know what to do anymore.  I’m under soo much fucking stress that I am probably eligible for medication -that bad.   I just can’t take it anymore.  I can’t do it.  I have no idea what I even want anymore.  It’s pathetic because I insist that everything is all good, but why am I red with tears? It doesn’t make sense. I’m just insecure.  When I imagine a perfect image, then open my eyes to not find the same picture… I just fall apart. I always expect things to fall into place where I want them.  There’s something wrong with me for that and for many reasons.  Ofcourse, this isn’t organized or anything. It’s just whats running through my mind at the moment. I don’t know what to do with myself. I guess we’re not on the same page anymore… I’m not sure if it’s even fixable.  There are just too many pieces. I don’t know anyone else that has been here and back, I don’t know where to go with it.  I’m just going to have to deal with it I guess.  Whatever it may be….  I need to get myself straight. After all, I’ve sat here for three hours failing to even type the first word of my essay.  Just fuck it, I’ll be up all night. 

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Title: All These Things That I've Done Artist: The Killers 0 plays

When there’s nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no you don’t, you don’t
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don’t you put me on the blackburner
You know you got to help me out

And when there’s nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain’t changing me
The cold-hearted boy I used to be

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don’t you put me on the blackburner
You know you got to help me out
You’re gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you’re gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you’re gonna bring yourself down

I got soul, but I’m not a soldier
I got soul, but I’m not a soldier
…

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don’t you put me on the blackburner
You know you got to help me out
You’re gonna bring yourself down
You’re gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, oh don’t you put me on the blackburner
Yeah, you’re gonna bring yourself down

Over and out, last call for sin
While everyone’s lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I’ve done
All these things that I’ve done
If you can hold on
If you can hold on
 

Currently listening to The Killers, again.  “All These Things That I’ve Done” seem to fit the feel for today and just lately in general.  I’m just always so damn confused. And you know what?!? Thinking and overthinking certainly do not pay off. Quite frankly, they only make everything worse. I don’t even know anymore. I’m so indecisive that it gets me absolutely nowhere.  Instead of thinking, thinking, thinking, and thinking… I should probably be using a process of 

• What do I want?
• When do I want this?
• How do I go about getting that?

But NO, there is an obvious problem with that.  It’s just too many questions that I have trouble finding answers for.  I don’t what I want, and even if I did… I probably would be able to pull off the rest anyways.  I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here.  It’s basically just the fact that I’m never satisfied for what I do for myself. Maybe I should be? I don’t know. I decide on one thing and go through with it, then I change my mind and act like I don’t regret it. It doesn’t make sense. 

Bottom line? I need to straighten myself out.  This is just too crazy. 

“When you can’t hold on, hold on”